Nonsense and Humor   Under The Poem Tree With Ron Purtlebaugh     GOD BLESS AMERICA  ST.AUGUSTINE NATURE  LOVE & BEAUTY  MEANDERINGS  POEM TREE LEAVES WANDERING WORDS  INDEXTABLE OF CONTENTSCOMMENTS & LINKSBRANCHES AND TWIGS ABOUT THE AUTHOR        Hurry, before you start reading this poetry, grab a pencil and write down every number you know...    Ron Purtlebaugh                 Wanna' Help?   On the inside of outside near bottoms upper end,  by the base atop center, where endings begin, on the inside of inner, the outer ring edge, the beginning of future, the starting spot ledge, aside the foreafter, where continuations part, leastwise exactly, almost close I think,  I lost the start verses, misplaced the darned things, where I thought to look first, then forgot, made it worse, I realized ... no, knew, or beginning to think, the only thing to do,,  backtrack to the first, and possibly, may haps, ask you to help, too? So, wanna' help? I'll lead.   Ron Purtlebaugh                A Swim Too Far   And so it goes, the tide came in and so did I and when I spied where might I been, two leagues out, soaking in a greenish grave, knowing, had I lost the faith, in me, at least, if not in Him, thankful yet, for what He gave, buoyancy, breath, how to swim, not to mention legs and arms, still wishing more than once, were fins, but happy yet to be alive, as drowning's such a messy thing.   Ron Purtlebaugh             WHOSE IS A LILLY, ANYWAY?     Swimming, I had tired a tad I splashed to reach a lilly pad. Outstretched, I gasped to keep afloat and grasped to cling a round green boat. Milky eyes met mine, abhorred, I choked a beg to come aboard, "Captain, Captain, if you please, do you think we two might squeeze atop this one thin lilly pad?" "And where, I pray," croaking tartly, glaring back, he answered smartly, "we might put my precious lilly? What, you laugh as though I'm silly!  had you spared a selfless thought you'd know plainly, 'thout being taught, not for yours or my own sake this flower rides this rippled lake! Push it off! Do you see, Sir, how hard for it to live, endure?" "For what," said he, "do you suppose, a lilly's lacking to a rose?" "Request Denied, Sir! Loose, abaft, let this frog and lilly pass! Not for us, your life to save, ours is but to ride the waves!" Floating past, I thought, "how silly, there's a frog that owns a lilly!"   Ron Purtlebaugh    Ok, the sign said to watch for deaf children, and I did, I saw one, now what do I do?           Did I Ask Why Or Not?   Recently, in a friendly chat asking why about this and that nothing nosey, just curious I guess suddenly I noticed, why was upset querying why, "was it something I'd said?" Answering, "I'd, hasn't offended me yet." "Ok, I give up! Are you telling how?" "It's none of how's business, that's easy to tell!" "Ok, alright, I can tell that, but what about this?" Taken aback, "are you asking me about this and that?' "That's what I said, nine lines back I was asking why about this and that!" "Well, that explains it, I'm not why, I'm not." "Oh!"   Ron Purtlebaugh                   Rationalizations And Recollections   Surfing the net, flitting away going through R's, to see what they say black went my screen, atop a big door day-glo green letters, I saw a sign say   RESOLUTIONS RESOLVED   Like the curious cat and the sponge, I'm akin my mouse on the "enter", I clicked my way in in front of me now, two more large doors each with a sign to be hardly ignored the right one said, RECOLLECTIONS REPAIRED the left one read, RATIONALIZATIONS RESTORED And straightly aligned over each a large sign:   ONCE YOU GO THROUGH THIS DOOR YOU CAN ENTER NO MORE AND THE OTHER ONE'S CLOSED EVERMORE   While standing and staring, deciding my choice I looked at the door, I'd walked myself through on the inside of the backside of the out door, I read where displaying a sign of it's own, plainly said   BY LEAVING THIS INSTANT, YOUR CHOICE YOU WON'T LOSE BUT YOU MUST DEPART NOW AND CHOOSE NOT TO CHOOSE   I remember not why, but that moment I left, I've searched everywhere but I have no excuse.   Ron Purtlebaugh            Me Neither!   D'yever have five children clamoring and ice cream just for four, no sooner scooped 'em out in cones and dropped one on the floor? D'yever rinse an ice cream ball to keep the kids from war? Me Neither! Were 'yever lost on a vacation trip and your loved one's look says, "I wonder?" Then make an excuse, "I need coffee or juice" to stop and recover your blunder? Then later, "Were we Lost?" you answer, "No Way!" "Then how many Mississippis did we go under?" Me Neither!   Ron Purtlebaugh           Fifty/50   Well, I had a birthday! Wasn't the first day, I had a birthday, and there's fifty/50 chance that it won't be the last. My dog was taking me for a walk, "I have business,"  he said, "with the horse,  mind to tag along?" "You need exercise, to keep you strong!" "Sure,"  I said, "we can talk, and it'll be good for me, of course." We got there, they were talking,  what they said, I didn't care, never one to stick in my nose, it was their own affair. Presently, "I've had a cold," said the horse in a scratchy voice,  I remember thinking, to myself, of course, 'what do you know, a hoarsey horse,'  instead I said politely, "This is the cold season, the worse." "Well, me and the dog been thinking, talked it over, awhile ago, and we're neither us wanting to tell you, something you already know, but, come a year, it's fifty/50 you'll be here or up in heaven, but a wise man should never stop planning, 'cause in dog years, you're 347!"   Ron Purtlebaugh           Carry The Light Or Waking The Old Senator, 2020 A.D.   "Sir!  Are you awake sir? It's the high courts decision!" "Get a hold'a yourself, boy! I know division! Gettin' my specks." "No sir!  The decision!" "Not a word, boy, I know my own vision! What's it all coming to, I'll tell you, collision! Smart-Alec young pup tellin' me 'bout vision. Nosiree, don't take no genius, boy, puttin' a finger on the start, a'stampin' through streets carrying signs... wantin' part!" "But sir, the Missus sent me!" "Nary a word boy! Old goats, up and down, clamorin' and yammerin', those signs through the park them in their petticoats stompin' through town..." "Petticoats indeed.... shame on you Senator, not another word!!! This is Jimmy, remember? He does the front yard?" "I apologize for him Jimmy, hes meaning no harm, the last years in congress he slept for two terms!" "You asked me to wake you, when she came on the screen. It's President Majorie, the Supreme Court's convened! Saying, buying is owning, and selling is sold, they can't sell it, take the money and continue to hold, if you buy it, you own it, there's an end  to it there. Oh!  You can't own the waves that are put in the air!" "See boy!  I told you,  knew they'd get it right! Just needed the right person to carry the light."   Ron Purtlebaugh         Rainbow Store   It's a good good thing, it's a very good thing, that I stopped that way, when I did,  had I gone any farther, much farther at all, I'd a'found myself smack in a rainbow store. An' anybody knows, that a rainbow store, is a bad bad thing, it's a very bad thing, when you're 'posed ta' be shoppin' for a new bell ring or a smile for a clown or a wardrobe thing for a fairy or an elf, or a gnome necktie, or a shadow for a sprite that you find on the right on the triple small shelf where it's all marked 'short'. 'Cause a rainbow store is a very different sort with clouds on the floor an' the ceiling is a door over great huge rooms floating used star beams for the rainbow riders an' the  starlight striders by the  airplane kites, like the little folks fly, 'at don't need a tail or any kinda' string, that hang from the rafters in the rear real high.   An' the last time I snuck to the rainbow store, I found myself a'playin' 'til a'quarter past four, when Mama came down a'grabbin' on my ear, tellin' Dwarf, next time she's ta' catch me there, a'slidin' down beams and playin' in the clouds, I'd be ta' fixin' bears with the button eyes out, or a'combin' up fuzz on the cats an' the hares,  or a'brushin' out ears on the big teddy bears in the little nursery shop Mama keeps right there. So, lucky for me, when she sent me down town,  to pick 'er up some smiles for the clowns that frown how my eyes popped open just a step before that I walked right smack in a rainbow store, an' that's a good good thing, that's a very good thing, that's a very good thing for me.   Ron Purtlebaugh        Is That So!   I wonder why I bother so, why do I ring up? Without fail, no matter what, I'm never up to snuff. Whether it's a cd rom, or new computer card, yours is much, much easier,  mine is way too hard. If I've toiled and saved and saved to have the very best, "You should have saved your time,"  you say, "one's as good's the rest." If my pride's allowing me to think that mine is faster, you shoot it down, this speed idea, you vied for a  better 'laster,' If I've paid for quality to have a better 'laster,' lasting don't mean nothing at all, I should have got one faster. If an extra special nice one, is where my money's sunk, you had one first and ripped it out because you say it's junk. I've often thought to find a thing you've never seen or had, there's little doubt though, you'd find out and say they're all made bad.   Ron Purtlebaugh         Someone Ask Layla, See What She'll Say, Does She Know A Word That Rhymes with say? Dedicated to my niece Layla   I need some help, I've looked all day I can't find a word that rhymes with say I looked at school during recess play even in art, when we played with clay I saved up a dime, I gladly will pay to find a word that rhymes with say at lunch I looked 'neath all the food trays I went through the months from june to may I've been looking today and yesterday to find a word that rhymes with say. I searched all through a bale of hay and under the bridge that spans the bay where all the fiddlers like to play I looked under eggs where chickens lay I can't find a word that rhymes with say I looked where the sun left two of it's rays when it tired of shining yesterday I looked when it rained and every things gray and under the feathers of a friendly blue jay after all of this searching, I still must say nay, there isn't a word that rhymes with say. Will someone ask Layla to see what she'll say does she know a word that rhymes with say?   Ron Purtlebaugh       Taking A Stab At Free Verse or Killing Ten Birds With One Stone By Giving A "Nuke The Whales,'Til They Glow" T-Shirt To A GreenPeace Environmentalist Just After He/She Blows Up A Boat Because The Holes In Their Tuna Net Were The Wrong Size Then Handing Him/Her An Invitation To Dinner With This On The Back   There's nothing better in my mind Than a nice well done manatee steak Or a standing rib roast of Florida Panther Marinated in baby whale and seal sauce Served with porpoise fritters And darter snail dip. All prepared at three mile island. Excepting maybe turnip gravy. If the turnip has been shot with a gun, Preferably an automatic. Followed by a Cuban cigar in a crowded elevator.   Ron Purtlebaugh     Miles And The Fairview Throng Dedicated to my nephew Miles Halsted and his friends Tommy Whiteman, Charlie Fedrick, Kevin Henifield Grant Myers, and Gaylen Vanhorn     Long years before the face of man had scorched the earth and littered land, 'fore dinosaurs and reptiles roamed or fishes played the briny foam, before the stars adorned the sky  the oceans were a desert, dry. In the midlands lived a tribe. a  race of meanies, known  as Ums that terrorized the city Bloom.   Of the Ums were sects and clans,,, the Binfordums, the Marlindums, the Broadviewgrandviewlakeviewdums, the Arlingclan, the Templeclan, the Highlandparkchildsclearcreekclan, the Rogersites, the Uschoolites,  eastern most, the Unionvilites. A horrible race, the Ums of old, from fathers of fight and mothers of scold, they were takers and fakers and mean trouble makers whose lands encircled a place of respite. Guarded by six, who knew wrong from right headquartered along the Westseventh Hills near a castle well known, as Oldbanakerjong.   The heros of Bloom, the Fairview Throng,,, riders of bikes, punishers of wrong, tormentors of tyrants and killers of giants, haters of tests and sisters that messed, protectors of innocent, death to the pests where the good people lived with a smile and a song.   In sixteen eight thirty four fifty three, a time was when time was recorded differently, seasons were tallied by the planting of trees, a beginning of the orchards and groves that you see, long years before A.D. and B.C. The Ums ruled the land with an iron fisted hand from Smithvillandhills to the Lake Lemon Sea, due west to Oldcurry and east to Malland. Stealing kids bikes, smashing tikes trikes, keeping Bryan and Cass Cade from building new parks, making silly new laws, banning football, making life miserable for all boys and girls, from Dyer Hill Castle to the halls of St. Charles.   Tired of the Ums, the wails loud and long, people cried out, to the Six, Fairview Throng. "Come Tommy, come Charlie, come Kevin, come Miles, come Gaylen, come Grant, come deliver us now!" And young Princess Ashley, visitor from far lands, begging them, pleading, "Come help them right now." On bikes, the Six rode, they left their abodes, with truth in their hearts, and justice their code. Death to the Ums, the menacers of Bloom, and met them in battle, where the Ums did succumb. They separated the Ums and put them in schools, so they wouldn't be dumb and acting like fools. The Six freed the land and outlawed the Ums and not having school, where kids turn out dumb, then renamed the valley, that's now Bloomington.   Ron Purtlebaugh       Roadside Casino   A turtle and an armadillo, 'side a road one day, a hidden snake watched on in sly repose, "I wonder which of those, will first to cross the road?" "So who will follow, who will lead the way?" He noticed quietly, and marvelled at the scene, how neither of the two ne'er looked each way! Fast, the cars that blasted past, left him quite aghast, their total disregard for life, it seemed. One was fit with hide, a thickness that defied, the proposition, harm might come his way, the other seemed to roam, upon his back, his home, oblivious to both, his own backside. And as the snake watched on, he slithered here and yon, while searching out a better point of view, forgetting where he was, he sidled ever close, and suddenly the concrete was upon. A Ford was zooming past, the snake had seen his last, the armadillo winking to his friend, "Five will get you ten, he won't do that again, and twenty says, the buzzards Will come past!"   Ron Purtlebaugh        Mayhem Mall   I've seen the Appalachians and the rocky coasts of Maine, the Rocky Mountains Great Divide, the Oklahoma plains, the Zoo in San Diego and the Arched Gateway To West, Bourbon Street and Memphis where the blues are at their best. Lake Michigan, The Windy City, fondly called Chi town, Grand Canyon, Arizona there's a hole a mile down. The Keys that hop and barely stop before the Cuban line, the winters down in Florida where the weather stays so fine, But when you talk vacations and the greatest place of all, just pack me up, and take me south, to see the Mayhem Mall. Mayhem Mall is best of all, it's where the weather's made. Hurricanes, by Floods and Rains, are sitting on display. They have a very special room, the end a long, long hall, with vacuum cleaners way up high to keep them twirling small. Right outside, a tiny chute, tornadoes popping out, they squeeze them off the hurricanes, and add a cup of clout. A waterfall 'bout ten miles high, for raindrops made to form, they're placed in clouds for mailing out, well packed in Styrofoam. The crooked drops, with flattened tops, are sent along in pails, then frozen hard in great big rooms, and stored away as hail. The Lightning Room where workers zoom, attired in rubber suits, with ear plugs worn and headsets on, to make the thunder mute. Rainbows, clouds, and foggy shrouds, are handled carefully, floating next to summer breezes hanging near the sea. The tidal waves are kept in caves, locked tightly in and out,  right inside a great large pool, they keep the water spouts. Out behind their huge back door they have my favorite one, it's where they hang the biggest, brightest, reddest morning sun.   Ron Purtlebaugh             To Live To Die To Fertilize   I was talkin' to an elderly lady, 'bout a week ago it seems, we we're speakin' of lawns and gardens and homes and all, she tol' me magnolia trees were much too much of a mess, "what with the leaves and the seeds, the blooms that fall." I asked her, "Ain't that life?" "Grass needs the leaves to fall, seems leaves have a call their own to keep things green. Ain't it life to fertilize, what living really means?" "There're lots of other ways," she quipped, "with feed and nuggets and sprays!" "It's good," I said, "Your parents weren't thinking that way!"   Ron Purtlebaugh       Aglerloliforium Dundurotim   He was just a boy, the tractors of his sidewalked helicopter gleaned the wild begonia, his inspiration was eleven-tenths insp and one-half iration, B. Oy, said his mailbox, the only speaking one in Dinersville, "Lithium, come here Boy and Xanax down this here...tree with your...hatch et by sitting on it longer than the rest," spoken wildly by the two by four headed prose master, reaching for a poem totally out of range, or stove, or whatever those kitchen things are... in Dinersville. And nobody could even tell. Glad they didn't want to, but they all changed their names anyway, they still couldn't hide, no use in trying, the poem will find you out everytime, Boy. You can or you can't. That's all.   Ron Purtlebaugh     I Just Had To Know   Whole wheat bread Pasta Tomatoes Swiss Cheese Celery Eggplant Onions Salt Olives Dish soap Paper towels I had to find out, I just had to know, If I could go to a poetry page, And pass off my list of groceries As Poetry, Rather than listed prose.   Ron Purtlebaugh   Copy right if you're going to copy it All rights reserved on red, left on green permitted Date Posted: 12:43:22 04/20/02 Sat Voy Forums/654              How Ignorant These Rhymes   "I could not for the life of me," I bet you could, "Now here's the truth," how astute, suppose the rest were lies, if it ain't so, then just stay mute. "I waited for the longest time," impossible, "that'll be the death of me," can't you see how ignorant these rhymes?   Ron Purtlebaugh             Home   TABLE OF CONTENTS  INDEX  BACK TO THE TOP   These are my poems, you can use or reprint them only with easily granted permission ©copyright 2001 by Ron Purtlebaugh all rights reserved UNDER THE POEM TREE©  IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF I02NODESIGNS ron@underthepoemtree.com